Sunday, December 30, 2012

Dear Diary: New year's resolutions

Dear Diary,
I normally don't make new year's resolutions but last year I made an exception. I was listening to the song She's a lady by Tom Jones when I realized that I wanted to be the lady he was singing about.

Well she always knows her place.
She's got style, she's got grace, She's a winner.
I didn't always know my place. I use to wait and look at what other people would do, instead of putting myself out there. I was very shy.
I also didn't always feel like a winner. Life has been harsh on me && most people don't realise how hard I have worked for a lot of things they assume just gifted. 
Well she never asks for very much and I don't refuse her.
Always treat her with respect, I never would abuse her.
What she's got is hard to find, and I don't want to lose her.
Most people also assume I'm very materialistic. I do buy nice stuff for myself & get it as gifts. & I do attach value to it but I would also be grateful with non materialistic gifts. I'm someone who can also be intensely happy with a good laugh.
I also didn't always got treated with respect, at own fault. I let a lot of people in my life who weren't worth it. I took care of them & was there when they needed me. & unfurtonately I didn't got the same treatment back.
&& I do think I'm not worth losing, I'm a keeper. I'm indeed hard to find cause I'm one in billion. I do question myself sometimes & I shouldn't. Especially not when other people give me the feeling I'm not worth it, they're not worth it!
Ever since I heard that song I have been thinking about this all. & so I decided that this was my new year's resolution of 2012. Cause I'm a lady!
 I started by knowing my place & caring less if people didn't agree.
& I kicked out the people who didn't deserve it to be part of my life. [Which was very hard to do because I feel for other people & sometimes I got sucked in by there emotions.]
I stopped listening to people who would call me materialistic or 'rich' cause I'm non of both. && if they wanted to argue I would reply with: " It's my money I spend it on what I want. You buy a new laptop or a ticket to somewhere nice. Well I buy make up & nail polish."
I'm still working on feeling like a winner, because I don't always feel like one. Lucky me that one of my favorite quotes is: 'If you ain't losing then you ain't grooving' by Jamie T.
I do have to admit that I feel a lot better, that's why I decided to also make new year's resolutions for 2013.
I would start by accepting myself with flaws & all. I'm a winner for who I'm, not what I do. I would also work on accepting that some things just take more time for some people than for others. I will come there eventually. It may take more time and energy but it will be worth it in the end.
&& the most important one I'm going to start seeing eye to eye with my fear for failing. & my fear for math. I'm so afraid to fail that I actually score 70% less.
& yes I'm actually afraid for math, not only to fail it but just going to class, making homework & for the professor. Which doesn't really work when you study physics, because physics is math. I have to deal with it & find my own way.
It may help to stop feeling like I have to prove myself to people who think I can't do it. Screw them, sorry for my language, but I'm not doing it for them. I'm doing it for myself!
I will work hard to get my propaedeutic in one year. & I will not doubt myself if I don't. I have gone through a lot of changes the past year, more than I write about. & I have done a lot of things I thought I couldn't do & that's also worth something. I should be proud of what I already achieved & I shouldn't give up. I'm on the right track headed to something I have always dreamed of. & no one is allowed or can take that away from me.

I hope you got inspired by my new year's resolutions
I would love to know yours!
Happy New Year Sweethearts!
I will promiss more blogging & videos for next year!

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